I found The Magical Quill!
haterz gonna hate.
What now J.K.? I wish you a happy birthday.
oh gawd where’s the clue?
There are things I don’t get.
I know I’m no philosopher or thinker of sorts. But I observe and analyze. That’s what I was cut out to do. There are issues and behaviors that escape me.
What does it mean to be really mature? Does it have to do with age or with attitude? Most of you will probably agree that it directly relates with the latter but if you are 20-ish or already considered by social norms to be an adult i.e. college student, should you not be alarmed that you are still not making proper adjustments and choices?
It saddens me to realize that while I try to explore unknown territories and chart new ambitions, I am at the mercy of people who do not know what they are doing and who are the least bit sure of why they are here. I am not perfect, but at least I know my place in the world. I think that’s the important.
I can be really bitchy sometimes. I am bitchy when others don’t wake up early enough catch their morning class. I am bitchy when the dorm floor is not clean enough for me to properly study. I am bitchy when I am around irresponsible people. That’s my thing. Not for the sake of bitching though. I want to change people. I have this immense need to change people.
I may not be the happiest person in the world right now. But I try to stay upright and mature. I try to stay clean and on time. I try to be knowledgeable and insightful. I participate in the world. My thoughts and work count. These little things matter and these little things work for me.
If I don’t accept that other people do not live their lives to their utmost potential, does that mean I am immature to not understand?
Perhaps yes. That is why it escapes me. To be the better, more mature person, do I have to tolerate behavior that deviates from what I find acceptable (just because all people are peculiar) or do I impose?
I am still at a loss for judgment.
So today, we had oral recitation for my Law 3 class, Law on Partnerships and Private Corporations. I had my first shot at orals the other week and I sucked! I sucked so hard it was impossible to cheer myself up after the class. I sucked not because I did not study or anything like that. The reason why I sucked also sucks.
It went something like,
Professor: What is an immovable property?
Me: Sir an immovable property (insert delightfully bookish definition here)
Professor: You’re wrong. What is an immovable property?
Me: Sir, it is a property that is attached to the ground or cannot be transported…
Professor: No you are giving a literal definition Ms. Yanoyan.
I sat down and wept inside.
Now, I had my super second and last shot to score big recitation points for midterms. I studied at Bo’s despite the rain and made notes like there’s no tomorrow. That’s what he always tells us,
Make your own notes because when you’ll go to review school, you can’t bring all your books. You bring all your notes instead.
What did not make sense though was why he always asks me the most irrelevant and so not-in-the-textbook questions.
Professor: Okay Ms. Yanoyan, same question. When does a partnership become insolvent?
Me: Sir, a partnership becomes insolvent when the liabilities exceed the assets materially.
Professor: Really? What do you mean by materially? Blah blah blah
Me: (All possible answers exhausted) T________T #idon’tknowwhatansweryouwantmetosay
Professor: Ok. The partnership is insolvent when the court declares it so.
Law school is probably going to suck more.
Mom, he broke my heart:
Mom, I got an F:
Mom, I had a fight with my best friend:
Mom, I have exams soon and I don’t know where to start:
I’ll add more stuff about me when I figure out myself. But for now, I hope this will suffice.
I look normal. I feel normal. But nothing is ever really normal about me. Inside my heart is beating out of my chest, I am constantly afraid. I shut down because I feel judged. I am eternally sad and lethargic. This is not the way to live. But I’d rather be alive and hurting than dead and gone.
It will take me a lifetime of courage to share to everyone what goes inside my head, my life.
Food that deserves to be consumed.
Food that deserves to sit in my tummy and pass out of my excretory organs.
Hungry. (Can you tell?)