People disappoint me.
Shallow overpowering bitches. Insensitive masochists. People are dark and twisty and I may be one of them. But when I shut them away and just observe, it almost always feels like they disappoint me.
I am eternally sad and petty and I have abandonment issues. I am reminded today that I should not expect people to know that off the bat. It’s just that when you pour your life into someone, it means you trust them and somehow you expect them to always get you from that point on. When they don’t get you and you’re sick and tired of reminding them where you stand in your life right now, you just give up. You give up finding someone to care or be there. It’s tedious.
I don’t understand how I can try to be completely involved with each and every person and the rest of the world just escapes me.
People matters to me. I love relationships with people. Maybe I just have too damn high expectations. In a perfect world, people will know. People will care. People will not let me down. Vice versa.
But this is not a perfect world. I’m not even sure I am cut out to live in one hell of a perfect world either. That’s another gibberish story.
Meet my owl. Hedwig. ☺♥♠
Do you ever feel that you’re disappearing?
All the time.” —Grey’s Anatomy
I’m already crying inside.
You aren’t alone, and it sucks.
Too much awesome.
Here I am again. It’s just me and the little stories in my head. My little ones who haunt me and bug me throughout the day. I can live with just me and them but it will drive me insane. I will go on each day trying to silence them but almost four years of doing that everyday proved futile. I am still sure that this is not where I am supposed to be and I think that at this point in my life, that is a very bad thing to say. I’d like to believe that it takes guts to admit that you made wrong decisions in your life and you are now paying the price. I just hope it will not be too tedious or too long. I am still looking forward to another chapter of happiness and self-fulfillment but for now, let me be.
On a really unrelated matter, I just really think that I fucked up so bad. But it believe that it gets better.
It’s truly shitty when you try so hard not to pity yourself.