I’m not normally like this.

I just need to tell you so you know. I want you to have context; I want you to think that I’m better than the rest of them, that I know more, that I’ve come farther, that I deserve slack from you that I don’t give myself. Because I don’t normally say I’m going to call and then not call. I don’t leave a mess. I don’t abandon people. I don’t get tattoos or stray cats. I don’t get drunk on weeknights or make promises I have no intention of keeping. I don’t quit. I don’t leave until I’m damn ready. I’m not jealous, spiteful, guarded, brash, resentful, hopeless.

If I can wake up to another life, will I want my life now? Without this all-consuming sense of helplessness, will I be happier? 

If I wanted what I wanted and I had it all, I wouldn’t want it as much. But the dead weight of failure is making my dreams sillier each try. It’s because I care too much what people think but do I know what I think of myself?

I’d like to tell you what I think of me.

I think I’m strong. I think I’m mature than most people I know. I think I’m terribly indecisive but extremely determined. I think that when people talk about life in terms of money and degrees, I think they view life in the narrowest way. I think that I’m not a fan of normalcy but I am anyway. I think that I can be great but I’m still trying to figure out how to get there. I think that people who spend so much time pleasing other people end up unhappy. I should know I am one of them. I think that when I wake up in the morning, I deserve an extra assurance that I can and I will.

I think I’m enough but sometimes I don’t.

That’s what breaks me. When I think I can’t, I won’t.

That unrelenting sense of nothingness that resonates into my being always seems to pierce the veil of strength that masks my inner qualms and idiosyncrasies.

Midterm Results Week

I sucked at midterms. What is new. People think (by people I mean the non-accounting majors) that when we (by we I mean the accounting majors) say accounting is hard, we’re either bluffing or just being plain cocky. I know most college students have their own bitter pill when it comes to hard courses but I think (with no bias) that ours is of a different dimension.

This might be helpful to high school seniors who are thinking of taking up Accountancy.

You see, most people say that Accounting is boring. Numbers. A lonely place to die. A good place to be fat and depressed. The truth is, it is. Sorry to burst your pretentious bubble but Accounting is really hard and so is Engineering, Nursing, etc. Cliche as it is, nothing worthwhile is ever easy, right?

A word of advice though. If you were smart in high school, chances are you’ll be dumb as rock in Accounting. Except for the really exceptional cases *cough* Glenn Santos *cough*, nobody ever really gets the answer easily. It will take most Accounting majors I know hours and hours of not just memorizing but most importantly analyzing. As we all know, the latter puts so much more stress on the brain than the former. That is why a minute of an attempt to solve an Accounting problem whether Cost Accounting or Financial Accounting, ends up in an empty stomach and a nasty migraine. That is why every quiz is a physical and mental challenge.

This is my personal experience and I do not impose it on anybody. But truth is, I’ve been having a hard time and it’s not because I didn’t try enough. Most days I question the reason why I’m tapping a calculator rather than putting words on paper but it is what it is. I have learned to love my course because I know that it is hard to find a job everywhere. But most CPAs I know have jobs offers right after college and more job opportunities after they pass the board. Accounting majors have jobs everywhere. It may not be the most valid argument for choosing a degree, but in this tough economy, it is good enough for me.

I just hope I do better before this semester ends.

January round up

I don’t have time to blog right now. This is going to be a really quick post. January is about to end. It’s been a good month; nothing really erratic or special.

I’ve been slacking as usual. Oh no, scratch that. My slacking is nothing near usual. I’ve been slacking a lot.

It’s my way of giving myself time to grieve. But then again, is it?

I wasn’t able to enroll myself to the gym like I wanted to; never jogged because of my allergies and upper respiratory infection; not even finished the first chapter of my manuscript; report for work not yet done; spent so much money this month I can’t even give you a number (why should I anyway?); not even bought a phone; cancelled the Camiguin trip because of midterm week conflict. 

What is life.

February, I promise you’ll be way better than my January slacker-fatty-sickly-emotional-irritable-compulsive-buying self. There I said it.

Look, I’ve got so many things running through my head right now. I know I’m a mess & I look like shit but I can’t smile & pretend I’m okay.

2:40

I asked for a dream with you, you never gave it to me. Each night I went to sleep hoping you’ll come by and see me.

But this morning, I just knew you were there. I knew you woke me up today. I cannot explain how and why I just woke up in the middle of the night. 2:40 on the 16th. It’s been a month.

I still miss you. 

Awkward visit to the doctor

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I almost puked into my teacher’s face today. I know. I’m gross. The washroom was at the end of the hall so I had to scamper off and keep the vomit in. That’s the worst feeling ever. Vomit is supposed to be expelled immediately; no time for storage in your mouth. Eww. I hate the smell of my own vomit. 

So I went home and called it a day. I slept then coughed then vomited. 

Finally, I decided I’ll go to the XU clinic around 2:00pm. I was scared for my life! I thought I was going to be dehydrated and die. I thought, why not? My mom’s waiting for me out there. Just kidding, I need to stay alive.

Gladly, the XU clinic accommodated me (they should, I pay them a lot of money every sem). Apparently, I was taking too much antibiotic since I’ve been coughing for a month now. Doctor said I was verging on overdose. Gawd.

Allergy. And upper respiratory tract infection. No chicken, peanuts, and I forgot the rest.

But I missed my classes today. Le sigh.