Bargaining

That no matter how hard I try to feel alive, a part of me already died. If I could only talk to you or even see you for a fraction of a second, I will. What will I give to hold you and touch the warmth of your existence? Everything I have. I only make sense because you brought me to life. You are gone forever. I am here left to my own devices. Left to meditate on my own life without reference. Some would say I am a strong person. Not a hint of grief. Not a sign of weakness. You bequeathed me with a rare gift. Your strength and grace I will forever live for. Sometimes I wake up to the truth of my own sadness. I am pulled out of my sleep to face the reality of life without you. I go on without question, without protest. But I go on with wonder. What is there left to do in a world without you? Reasons are hard to come by specially on days that I remember you. On places we both went to. Or on jokes we laughed to. I am forever broken by the loss of you. Forever. I look forward to the day I will see you again Mama. I will see you again.

2:40

I asked for a dream with you, you never gave it to me. Each night I went to sleep hoping you’ll come by and see me.

But this morning, I just knew you were there. I knew you woke me up today. I cannot explain how and why I just woke up in the middle of the night. 2:40 on the 16th. It’s been a month.

I still miss you. 

Cheers to 2012

I have less than 30 minutes to finish this year end post so pardon the gibberish. I resolve to make better posts next year. :)

2011 has been the year that friends walked out of my life, I lost hope in myself, I found love again, I skipped breakfast everyday, I started running again, I enrolled in the gym but quit after a month, I went to Camiguin, I got drunk and threw up in the toilet, I got a job, I bought my siblings their school things with my own money, I paid my own bills, I volunteered, I researched, I’ve had sleepless nights over Statistics, I fought with my father, I cried myself to sleep, I drank too much coffee, I got fat, I dyed my hair, I read Catcher in the Rye, I read Perks of Being A Wallflower, I cried over Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, I cried over one of my bestfriends quitting school to work in Cebu, I saw my mother fight for her life, I saw my father fight with my mother, I saw my siblings cope with the pain, I saw myself crumble so many times under pressure but fought back harder each day because being a quitter doesn’t run in our family. Mostly, 2011 was the year I lost my mother - the only mother I will ever get.

I’ve been to hell and back and now I’m picking up the pieces and putting them back together no matter how long it takes. 2011 is not a good year overall but it is definitely a year of life experiences. There is no other year in my entire existence that gave me the best lessons of courage, faith, love and hope. I will always hold on to 2011 as the year that I was tested and I failed so many times. But what counts the most were the times I fought back and fought back hard. 2011 will always be the year that I lost my mother; but it will also be remembered as the year that I appreciated my father better. 2011 will always be the year that I lost a friend; but it is also the year that I found new ones that made my life better each day. 2011 will always be the year that Cagayan de Oro was devastated by Sendong; but I will spend 2012 trying to make Cagayan de Oro a better place each day in my own way.

2011 it’s been a hell of a ride. I will welcome 2012 with so much hope for the future. In the end, a year of trials will result to a better person than a year of merriment will ever be. 

Happy New Year!

Sometimes when I put myself to sleep, I drift into a place where you’re still with me. I can hear your voice, I can smell your hair. When the rain starts pouring I wonder if you miss the feeling of rain on your skin, or the wind on your hair, or a kiss on your cheek. I miss you everyday. I don’t know if I will ever stop missing you. We are getting by but it’s never going to be the same again. The days will be darker, nights will be colder and holidays will be spent wishing you’re here too. Mama, wherever you are now, I hope you’re watching over us. Fly and be free, Mama.

Eulogy for my Mama

At the start of 2011, deep down I always knew this is going to be the year that my life will turn upside down. For six years I’ve seen my family’s typical life turn into a series of quick changes and sharp turns. Everybody that has ever had to deal with cancer knows that it shakes your soul, defeats your goals and changes your life forever.

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