Bargaining

That no matter how hard I try to feel alive, a part of me already died. If I could only talk to you or even see you for a fraction of a second, I will. What will I give to hold you and touch the warmth of your existence? Everything I have. I only make sense because you brought me to life. You are gone forever. I am here left to my own devices. Left to meditate on my own life without reference. Some would say I am a strong person. Not a hint of grief. Not a sign of weakness. You bequeathed me with a rare gift. Your strength and grace I will forever live for. Sometimes I wake up to the truth of my own sadness. I am pulled out of my sleep to face the reality of life without you. I go on without question, without protest. But I go on with wonder. What is there left to do in a world without you? Reasons are hard to come by specially on days that I remember you. On places we both went to. Or on jokes we laughed to. I am forever broken by the loss of you. Forever. I look forward to the day I will see you again Mama. I will see you again.

Cheers to 2012

I have less than 30 minutes to finish this year end post so pardon the gibberish. I resolve to make better posts next year. :)

2011 has been the year that friends walked out of my life, I lost hope in myself, I found love again, I skipped breakfast everyday, I started running again, I enrolled in the gym but quit after a month, I went to Camiguin, I got drunk and threw up in the toilet, I got a job, I bought my siblings their school things with my own money, I paid my own bills, I volunteered, I researched, I’ve had sleepless nights over Statistics, I fought with my father, I cried myself to sleep, I drank too much coffee, I got fat, I dyed my hair, I read Catcher in the Rye, I read Perks of Being A Wallflower, I cried over Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, I cried over one of my bestfriends quitting school to work in Cebu, I saw my mother fight for her life, I saw my father fight with my mother, I saw my siblings cope with the pain, I saw myself crumble so many times under pressure but fought back harder each day because being a quitter doesn’t run in our family. Mostly, 2011 was the year I lost my mother - the only mother I will ever get.

I’ve been to hell and back and now I’m picking up the pieces and putting them back together no matter how long it takes. 2011 is not a good year overall but it is definitely a year of life experiences. There is no other year in my entire existence that gave me the best lessons of courage, faith, love and hope. I will always hold on to 2011 as the year that I was tested and I failed so many times. But what counts the most were the times I fought back and fought back hard. 2011 will always be the year that I lost my mother; but it will also be remembered as the year that I appreciated my father better. 2011 will always be the year that I lost a friend; but it is also the year that I found new ones that made my life better each day. 2011 will always be the year that Cagayan de Oro was devastated by Sendong; but I will spend 2012 trying to make Cagayan de Oro a better place each day in my own way.

2011 it’s been a hell of a ride. I will welcome 2012 with so much hope for the future. In the end, a year of trials will result to a better person than a year of merriment will ever be. 

Happy New Year!

Eulogy for my Mama

At the start of 2011, deep down I always knew this is going to be the year that my life will turn upside down. For six years I’ve seen my family’s typical life turn into a series of quick changes and sharp turns. Everybody that has ever had to deal with cancer knows that it shakes your soul, defeats your goals and changes your life forever.

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Parents will do anything for their children

Believe me, they will. You may not notice their struggles but once you do, it will break you.

So I’ve been reading my Lola’s memoir.

I can’t finish an essay without tearing up. It was a story of me in a sense that my grandmother reminisced her childhood during the World War and her own parents who were my great grandparents and whom I never met but somehow I felt connected to them as I read my lola’s recollection. She talked about her children - my mom and my uncles and aunts. She talked about her joys and regrets. She talked about the internet and how she finished reading all Harry Potter books then Twilight books.

It also talked about life after my lolo’s stroke and recent death. It was hard for me to read that part because I really miss my lolo’s one, two, three kisses and bright smile. I think I got my smile from him. I’d like to believe that a part of me is from my late grandfather.

It also talked about me in one essay. It was titled Amae. My lola and mom used to call me that. It made me cry again. Gahd grandma, you are better than Nicholas Sparks in making me cry! Hehe. I only cry once in his books but in yours, I cry after every paragraph!

I took a break from reading it because I decided to read the book an essay at a time. One memory at a time.

Right now, I have resumed on reading Mitch Albom’s Have a Little Faith.

I really enjoy reading books. Call me a nerd but next week I’ll go visit my lola’s house and borrow John Grisham’s, Sophie Kinsella’s and Judith Mcnaught’s. I guess reading and writing runs in the family.

So this is is the story behind

THIS

Thirdy: Ma, unsa gi-mean aning ‘What’s on your mind?’ (Mom, what does ‘What’s on your mind?’ mean?)

Mom: You tell your friends what you are thinking about right now.

Thirdy: Ahhh, okay.

Later… when it’s my Mom’s turn to Facebook.

Mom: (reads) Thirdy Yanoyan: What’s on my mind you I like you body.

NEEDLESS TO SAY MY MOM WAS TERRIFIED.

WHAT EVEN BRO. 

This dorm is not my home

After a long day, I go dorm. Not go home. This dorm is not my home.

I sucks to be away.

Don’t get me wrong, I like my roommates and dormmates. Our landlady is nice and very accommodating. I wouldn’t want to stay anywhere else. I remember when I was a freshman, my Mom and I scanned the whole Brgy. Nazareth just to find me a decent place to stay and I landed here in St. Anne’s Dormitory. I was with my Mom, that was two years ago. After that one time she accompanied me here, she was never able to visit me again. 

Everyday I leave this room and go back after a long day. It’s white and cold. When I open the door, I see the curtains my Mom gave me. It’s like a piece of her is here with me. I look at my cluttered books and overflowing clothes in the locker, I miss my parents. I wouldn’t have bought all those books and clothes without their financial support.

I miss my siblings. They are the farthest thing from silence but having them around might keep me sane. But again, I can’t be with them. My sister is a sophomore high school and my baby boy brother is in 5th grade. I miss them heaps. It’s hard to be away while they are growing up. I can’t keep up. They grow up so fast. I missed my brother’s first communion and baseball game. I missed my sister’s school convocations.

I only get to see them three vacations a year and I’m lucky if I could go home in between school weeks. 

Is this going to be this way from now on? I mean after graduation, I’ll go looking for a job or go to law school. It’s never going to be the same again. I’ll always be going home but I still wish I can stay. Just like before.