Bargaining

That no matter how hard I try to feel alive, a part of me already died. If I could only talk to you or even see you for a fraction of a second, I will. What will I give to hold you and touch the warmth of your existence? Everything I have. I only make sense because you brought me to life. You are gone forever. I am here left to my own devices. Left to meditate on my own life without reference. Some would say I am a strong person. Not a hint of grief. Not a sign of weakness. You bequeathed me with a rare gift. Your strength and grace I will forever live for. Sometimes I wake up to the truth of my own sadness. I am pulled out of my sleep to face the reality of life without you. I go on without question, without protest. But I go on with wonder. What is there left to do in a world without you? Reasons are hard to come by specially on days that I remember you. On places we both went to. Or on jokes we laughed to. I am forever broken by the loss of you. Forever. I look forward to the day I will see you again Mama. I will see you again.

What I’m doing

A few weeks ago, I decided to sit my ass off this summer term. I didn’t take any classes and I figured staying at home will give me time to figure things out and clear a space in my head for brighter and better possibilities. So I came home and I realized I’m not the girl next door anymore. Homecoming was always a familiar and fuzzy feeling but this time I felt out of place. It’s the same place but the people are different. Now I get why there are people who can go through life without coming home for while. Every moment in our lives leads up to bigger moments and we get acquainted to so many new things that our playground friends and next door neighbor seem to vanished in the background in the process. A few acknowledging nods and small talk to old friends and family friends and I run out of things to say. There are very few things I can talk about my life right now that will not trigger the launch of a full-blown Oprah pep talk from my aunts and uncles. 

Also, the rotating brownout is not funny at all. My work is dependent on the Internet and blackouts that last as long as my work hours do not help in the slightest. Whenever there are power interruptions though, my siblings and I sing One Direction songs to the annoyance of our neighbors. One time I sang Adele’s Rumour Has It and a random kid shouted “Woohoo!” at me from across the street. Thank you very much. I am pleased with myself too.

I’ve also taken this time to review in advance for the board exams. I’ve studied a little Managerial Accounting. I’ve also took on a project that pays me to answer online Accounting quizzes and homework for other people. Most of my clients are from the US and I wonder how getting this online degree will be good for them if somebody else is taking their quizzes and doing their homework. It’s beneficial for me because I get to review my lessons with pay. 

I’ve also been reading a lot and looking for new books to read. I’ve also bought groceries a lot. I came home to see an empty ref and I’m the kind of person that needs food in the ref to sleep soundly at night. I’ve also patched things up with two friends. It makes me really happy to finally do that. I’ve also seen the Hunger Games and I wished I had J. Law’s curves. I’ve also gotten over my two full days of 1D obsession and I’ve also tried to exercise some more.

So that’s what I’ve been doing. Leisurely being idle while also being so productive. I don’t know how I do it.

I’m not normally like this.

I just need to tell you so you know. I want you to have context; I want you to think that I’m better than the rest of them, that I know more, that I’ve come farther, that I deserve slack from you that I don’t give myself. Because I don’t normally say I’m going to call and then not call. I don’t leave a mess. I don’t abandon people. I don’t get tattoos or stray cats. I don’t get drunk on weeknights or make promises I have no intention of keeping. I don’t quit. I don’t leave until I’m damn ready. I’m not jealous, spiteful, guarded, brash, resentful, hopeless.

If I can wake up to another life, will I want my life now? Without this all-consuming sense of helplessness, will I be happier? 

If I wanted what I wanted and I had it all, I wouldn’t want it as much. But the dead weight of failure is making my dreams sillier each try. It’s because I care too much what people think but do I know what I think of myself?

I’d like to tell you what I think of me.

I think I’m strong. I think I’m mature than most people I know. I think I’m terribly indecisive but extremely determined. I think that when people talk about life in terms of money and degrees, I think they view life in the narrowest way. I think that I’m not a fan of normalcy but I am anyway. I think that I can be great but I’m still trying to figure out how to get there. I think that people who spend so much time pleasing other people end up unhappy. I should know I am one of them. I think that when I wake up in the morning, I deserve an extra assurance that I can and I will.

I think I’m enough but sometimes I don’t.

That’s what breaks me. When I think I can’t, I won’t.

That unrelenting sense of nothingness that resonates into my being always seems to pierce the veil of strength that masks my inner qualms and idiosyncrasies.

Thursday Woes

theinsatiablemind:

There’s going to be that tragic time in your life where you’d feel like you’re stuck in the alleys of worthlessness. Where you’d feel like you’re just a single speck of dust in a hundred-mile shore. Like a dead piece of leaf in a lush and exuberant rain forest. Like a tiny drop of water in the world’s largest ocean. Like a minute breath of oxygen in all of the universe. Like an unnoticeable spill of magma in an overflowing stream of ferociously burning lava.

Yes, there’s going to be that time in your life. And yes, it’s going to be unimaginably crazy. And yes, everyone will tell you how things will suddenly be better, how you just need to keep your faith, how none of it is your fault, and how you should just let things be.

It’s funny. No one really knows how it actually feels like.

But the truth is, there’s really going to be that time in your life, and it’s going to be exceptionally painful. And when you’re stuck in that moment, it would be terribly hard to reckon the promise of a better tomorrow.

But that’s fine, because just like all the other times in your life, no one will ever really notice that inside, you’re constantly dying —- if not already dead. 

And it’s all going to happen slowly… painfully… relentlessly.